Gabby's Hall of Thoughts

for the past month, every night--including tonight, maybe--i end up cursing myself before i am asleep.

i cursed myself for being such a pathetic lazy ass
it's like i'm gonna punch my head for what i've done during the day
and basically i've done nothing, so it made me feel more and more mad

why is it so difficult to do something?
why am i didn't even try to do it?
why am i such a coward?
why am i too scared to say anything?

and




since when i became like this?


like, seriously, since when i became this introverted?
i remember my younger self running around, asking anything that came in mind, being curious about something new, don't really care about whatever people say about me

but now.....

it's like i'm too scared to do something
i'm scared if there's no one support me
i'm scared if people laugh at me
i'm scared to be embarrased, i really am scared.

but then i scold my self
you're freakin' 21 years old, yet you've achieved nothing
because of what?
because you're stupid enough to scaring yourself
you're basically scared of anything, so what are you expected?
why are you complaining now?
and why--in the first place--you feel scared?
thinking about it now, you actually scared to nothingness
what a shame

you know, just break your self, find your courage
because YOU'RE FREAKING LEO, YOU'RE A LION--OR LIONESS--GO FIND YOUR COURAGE
it won't hurt you
if it hurts you then it's okay, you'll find someway to heal it

but just like an endless cycle, i'm scared again.


BUT

and i think this is really the last 'but'


i  decided tonight is the last night for being a pathetic loser
it really is the last time.

no one can tell me what am i supposed to do
because i am so sick of it

i can decide what's good and what's bad for me
am not that stupid to kill myself, so stop worrying about me

from now on, i am a new person
well not entirely new, something more like the upgraded self



nah, i never know writing gives this awesome feeling. hahaha.